The following letter is not mine. It was written by a coworker who gave me permission to post it. We had so much fun reading this in all sorts of different accents, I may try recording and posting that later as well, but for now, here’s the text of the letter.

 


Dear Einstein Bros,

Office workers across the country rely on the small sense of smug, self-satisfaction when providing your products to their colleagues. Something speaks to our innate hunter-gatherer nature whenever we bring a selection of cheesy, bready foods to a group of tired, cranky people.

For a short time, in our boring, wasted days, we feel like heroes.

That short time lasts approximately eight minutes, which is how long it takes for the poorly-constructed paper handle on the bagel box to completely disintegrate and send your product crashing to the floor.

We are busy people. We are forever burdened with smart phones, coffee cups, car keys and stylish laptop bags. Our one free finger grips feebly to the bagels as we try to get the office door open, but it is of no use. Fate has spoken. The die is cast. No person shall ever reach their desk or break-room with an intact box.

To make matters worse, the handles are also the part that holds the box closed, and if they break, [Spoiler Alert: they will!], then the box is now on the floor, upside down, and open.

The trail of tears and poppy seeds shall lead all to our shame.

Proposed Solutions

1) Make better handles – Bigger, wider, thicker cardboard, whatever works!

2) Add a layer of tape to one side of the handle, so that if catastrophic cardboard separation occurs, you have another layer holding everything together!

3) Test. Test. Test – This is the easiest part. 13 bagels plus two tubs of cream cheese is going to have a fairly standard weight. Try loading up a couple boxes and getting into and out of a car. After you’ve picked up everything off the parking lot, go back and repeat step 1!

4) Remove the handles altogether. You are not Louis Vuitton. We are not shopping at a designer boutique. We do not need to primly clasp our purchases by dainty handles. Remove the fickle temptation of handles and we will hold the boxes by the bottom and the problem is solved!

Yours Sincerely,

 

Office Workers Everywhere